Before it gets overwhelming and like "everyone's doing it..." hopefully I'm the first to publicly share my New Year's resolutions with you! (I'm so behind in sharing about our house updates and move back to the US so I'm just going to skip forward and be [way!] ahead in the game in at least one thing, ha!) Okay so I'm not exactly going to tell you how to make the "right" decisions... instead I'm going to share things that I have learned in the past year that will continue as my goals of understanding in the new year. To live wholly as the best YOU, to relieve unneeded stress, be more present in the moment, and have a little grace to connect with others. Here's a few pointers from my "road map" or my personal rules of life, if you will!
1. no one really cares
Now, please don't read this as no one cares about you. I would never say that, yet I know a million ways that words can be distorted to fit the receiver's interpretation. I know words can be damaging and good intent can get miscommunicated, so in the simplest way possible let me clarify- if you read this and truly think no one cares about you please tell someone you trust- and find a mental health professional to talk to. We all have to take care of ourselves!Have you ever walked into a room full of people and felt like people were looking at you? A new gym? A new school? Book club? Maybe even just a restaurant for dinner? Of course people may look, but do you feel instantly judged? Thinking to yourself: "OMG maybe I shouldn't have worn white after Labor Day. Maybe they can tell my pants don't fit as I wish they would. Are they looking at my bald spot?" And on... I think we all do it. When roles are reversed see if you can catch yourself looking at the person who just entered a room. Maybe it's a survival instinct or something in our DNA? For us to immediately observe any newcomers and assess the situation and threat level? IDK I'm not a scientist, but I have proven this fact to myself over and over again: no one really cares.
PS if they can see your bald spot and are "judging" you- maybe they just are happy that they aren't the only ones with one... HA! Just a thought?!
Another scenario, I recently went to Vegas for a bachelorette. It was the BEST time! However, I won't lie and say that body image was 1000% a factor on my mind during the trip- especially for the pool parties. Yes, the girls that work there are freaking gorgeous-perfect-model specimens... but that is not real. (PC here- not that if you look like that you're not a real person! Just that ONE way to look is not what reality looks like. It's made up of 543270929163460 ways to look!) I'm sure you personally know 5x amount of women that DON'T look like that than that DO. Right? And every single one of those women is either your friend, or best friend, or has a loving personality, or is a wonderful mother, maybe she cheers you on when you lift heavy weights, or she is a mentor in your career, etc., right? All this to say, there were SO MANY people there, and everyone was having a blast. While we occasionally (and probably wayy more than we should) rob ourselves of joy while worrying about what others think of us... here's reality: you still have beautiful relationships in life regardless and... ta daaa! No one really cares. (Everyone is too busy being their own worst enemy and worrying about themselves anyway... which I'll discuss in my next life truth.)
2. it's not about you
Re: above, everyone is thinking about themselves and honestly, it's all.the.time. Okay, okay, that last sentence can be taken probably too many negative ways but read on for me clarify to what I mean.Let's take a second. What do you think about during the day? Probably what time you have to go to work. What errands you need to run. Whose birthday is coming that needs a card or gift. If you need to pay bills, get gas, make dinner- or where you want to go out to eat. Maybe you think you need to go to the gym. Maybe you think you made a mistake at work. You said something you shouldn't have. Your physical appearance doesn't look the "right" way. You need to be better at studying/ communicating with your spouse/ putting the laundry in the dryer before it smells. We are constantly our own worst enemy- thinking how to better our self. You don't even realize it, how many of your thoughts or to-dos are selfish. Not associating selfish in a negative connotation here, FYI. More or less for whatever (maybe biological?) reason our first priority is ourselves, just a fact.
So, first example; When someone is so rude to you out of the blue, or acts in a manner so shocking- just know it isn't about you. Actually, the way someone acts toward you ever is not (exactly) about you. This one was a hard lesson for me to learn and just being honest! It's going to be one I try to fully understand and navigate into the next year and beyond. Again, not a scientist here! Nor a person-scientist-psychologist-therapist or the like buttt we all have our issues in life that we are not fully aware how to handle properly, which infests itself and spews out of other places. Maybe we don't yet know what our issues are, but just because we aren't aware doesn't mean they aren't there. Just a reiteration that we're always thinking about ourselves- whether consciously or not.
As a last minute addition to this post before I hit "publish," I want to share a story that happened to me earlier this year. I'll try to make it as terse as possible, but ehhh if you know my writing style I kind of tell stories... so we'll see how that goes. It's a partly cloudy August day in Charleston, South Carolina. Thoughtfully parked before noon, under the shade of a tree, closest to the entrance of a chain pet store. My two loves of my life that are about 65 lbs, walk on four feet, and are covered in fur are in the car with me. After having the AC on I crack open all 4 windows, and I go in to the store and give the two babies' names to the grooming desk for a nail trim. 35 minutes later, I go back in with the youngest babe for her 5 minute appointment to cut her nails. Employees and customers all turn as one person comes in yelling about a car in the parking lot. Speeding up the story, it happened to be mine and I thought OMG my eldest babe somehow opened the windows all the way and got out. Nope, I instead received a full blown public slandering for the dog being in the car, barking.
I'll try not to get upset about the situation again and just say that after I calmly tried to explain that in those 35 minutes I had left and returned, not left the dog MY BABY in the car, alone, in the heat, etc. as my accuser assumed. They by chance saw the same thing twice and assumed it was the same for every single minute. I tried to be calm with them in explaining "thank you for your concern, but what you think you know you have no idea," as did the employees, but at a point I realized this was not about me. Maybe that person worked with a rescue, or made a mistake themselves once and their dog overheated. Who knows. I had tried to be calm and rational in having an adult conversation, (we were in a nice area of town, at a specialty store for animals, if you put your hand in the car you could still feel the AC- obviously I care about my babies!) but it was pointless. Not my problem at that point, see rule #3.
Also, judge me if you're going to about leaving one dog behind but keep in mind I made conscious pre-planning decisions. I knew I couldn't handle 2 big dogs both running separate directions in all their excitement and personal attention was the best, most safe way for everyone. Doing my best as a mom here, don't be a mom-shamer!
That being said, we are only human (well most of us anyway- maybe you're an alien or very exceptional A.I., no judgments- I'm just honored you're reading my post!) and we only know what we know. If someone "comes at you" or isn't acting how you would act in a situation- please have some grace and realize that it's not about you. That's the ace here, but the A+ is when adults can 1. realize this fact and 2. respectfully discuss differences and then ++ realize that sometimes it's okay to not have the same final answer.
Bringing back the middle school breakup line "it's not you, it's me." It was made fun of as such a lame excuse then, but now, it is probably the most mature thing I remember about middle school. To acknowledge there is something missing, something is not serving you wholly, and then act on that- it's huge. Where I am personally in my adult life (nooo! By whose standards am I really an adult? Because, LOL) I know sometimes there are issues that arise and I'd rather stay the current bumpy path and ignore it rather than making that intentional recognition and adjusting course. It's actually very mature- and difficult!- to realize what is not serving you and make an intentional change.
Anyone have a child? A puppy even? Isn't it interesting to see how, as a young creature, we don't have full understanding of things around us? Maybe you have two children that have different needs or love languages? One or the other is always saying "it isn't fair" when one gets attention in a certain way vs. the other. And you may respond that "life isn't fair." It's a hard lesson that we try to teach, but do we ever actually learn? It's just simply not about you.
Halloween has just passed and I'm thinking about my own childhood. I remember checking all our candy after our walk through the neighborhood gleefully shouting "TRICK OR TREAT!" Now, probably my sister got my favorite Starburst (red, duh) while I got orange (ew, gross.) Obviously being the older one I should have gotten first pick or she should have listened to me when I told her to trade. Or maybe she got all the "good" candy and I got all the not-so-good. I probably then threw a fit, and being the eldest of three I was taught a hard life lesson right then and there. It is not about you. The world does not revolve around you. I'm not always going to get what I want, when I want. There is a bigger picture. It is a childish thing to think that whatever happens in your field of vision of life is ALL about you.
- This is where I'd also say to trust in HIS timing -
Side note: I probably actually got the most candy overall, being the biggest. However, I couldn't see that in the moment. My field of vision, my awareness of a bigger picture, was in the true sense of the word- immature.
Let's wrap up with how it's not about you in two simpler bullets:
- There is a bigger picture you may not always be able to see. Have grace and trust. Ever heard of someone ruining their own surprise party because they thought their partner had malintent in deceiving them? There was a bigger picture.
- Think how others in the bigger picture affect you. Have some grace again, to think- how is their picture framed? Our relationships are similar to Venn diagrams. The frame of my picture will overlap with yours, but only a small portion of it. Can you see my whole picture? Can you understand that mine is different than yours, and vice versa?
3. not my problem
The ONE biggest thing I learned this past year was to let go. Yes, this uber perfectionist and control freak has learned sometimes the best way to have full control over KEY: what I can control (emotions, stress levels, personal circumstances, etc.) is to LET GO. My High School cheerleader self wants to yell it out "L-E-T-S--G-O, Let's go! Let's go!" And repeat. Get it?
For instance, have you had an emotional conversation with someone trying to explain yourself, apologize, or maybe you've just seen a single episode of the Real Housewives to know that sometimes words get wildly misunderstood? (("It's not about youuu, Braunwyn!" I can't get that out of my head lol-slash-help.)) Did you do your best to communicate clearly? Did you only say words that you meant? Are you feeling emotionally drained or worn out from giving your energy to something/someone that isn't returning it positively? Then let. it. go. You did your best, now it's not your problem. Re: Rule #2- it's not about you. If someone let's say, takes your 5 word statement and somehow twists how they understand it to something you never actually meant- it's not about you. For whatever reason they wanted to see it that way, so they made it work that way. Now it's not your problem they did that. You did what you could, now let it go.
Here's a more objective example. We recently went to Hawaii with some very good friends. We had a beautiful house to stay in, and rental cars to drive to take in the gorgeous scenery. After returning from the beach one day, the hubs goes outside to see that the tire is flat. (At least we made it home, ha!) There were 4 people working on getting the tire off to put the spare on, figuring out the cause and how to fix it, calling the rental company, etc. so during those moments, what could I do to help? Worry? Think of other people/ AAA/ insurance/ whatever to call? Honestly, it would have been wasted energy whatever I did as they were more than fully capable of resolving the situation. My name wasn't on the rental agreement, we were home, safe, had no hurry to go anywhere... the situation was an irritation, not an emergency. I had to let it go. I remember literally saying, "not my problem" as one of my life rules yet again came to realization.
A third example goes into the workplace. To keep this as brief as my chatty self can, I'll just use examples from my personal life. Have you ever took on tasks that are not assigned to you? I know my personality is to want to fix things or make them better. (Why do you think I'm writing this?) I would willingly and without being asked try to make everything better/ more efficient/ a better use of resources. Honestly, I stressed myself out more trying to do that. It's a little much to try to change the world by yourself! (Ha, wink face!) I thought I could make a difference, leave a mark, and honestly I wish I had known my first two life rules then. No one actually really cared, maybe I got a minute of applause and maybe not. But essentially it wasn't about me- whatever new Excel form I created wouldn't blaze the path for an entirely new way the whole world was going to follow in running a business. LOL. To speed up the point, unless it is my passion in life and I am actually working for my own name in lights, I've learned to say let it be- I'm not working for free. It's not my problem. Plus, how can someone learn if you take their problem away and solve it yourself? Who are you actually helping in that case?
Overall, these 3 mantras I constantly remind myself have saved my energy, my mental well being, and my physical health just to name the top benefits. I can clearly focus on what actually matters and brings me happiness, such as quality time with family. So as we're wrapping up this year and heading into the new one- I hope you can use my tips as tools. Hopefully your takeaways are to ask yourself: ls it worth it to me? Is it my problem to fix? What did they really mean? What's the bigger picture here? Does anyone actually care? Will it make a difference? Am I burdening myself?
My "life rules" are meant to redirect unnecessary stress and transform worry into wholeheartedly enjoying your life. Again, they are personal findings so I hope that if you don't agree you at least enjoyed the read with my random insertions and sidenotes!
The husband will say just "cut the chaff." Life is short and full of unknowns. I hope my 3 little life rules can help inspire you to be more present, graceful and joyful in your life. Happy early holidays, friends!
My "life rules" are meant to redirect unnecessary stress and transform worry into wholeheartedly enjoying your life. Again, they are personal findings so I hope that if you don't agree you at least enjoyed the read with my random insertions and sidenotes!
The husband will say just "cut the chaff." Life is short and full of unknowns. I hope my 3 little life rules can help inspire you to be more present, graceful and joyful in your life. Happy early holidays, friends!
Enjoy these random fall photos of me in Hungarian fields last year. You don't really care anyway, do you? You'll read this or you won't. Gold star to you if you do!
Love this C!
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